• Love And Limerence Quotes

Author Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., on Love and Limerence: It was over 35 years ago that, having become convinced through personal experience and the writings of others of the enormous significance of that aspect of the human reproductive process known as romantic love, I elected to explore the subject systematically. My journey of exploration occurred in three identifiable phases Author Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., on Love and Limerence: It was over 35 years ago that, having become convinced through personal experience and the writings of others of the enormous significance of that aspect of the human reproductive process known as romantic love, I elected to explore the subject systematically. My journey of exploration occurred in three identifiable phases. During the first phase, the Phase of Wandering and Wondering Through Questionnaires and Testimonials, I was primarily involved in other topics, but the 'love cards' assessments, in which students anonymously selected statements that applied to them and rejected those that did not, and the paper and pencil surveys submitted to groups continued to supply evidence of the importance of the topic, and of its prevalence, but I had not advanced beyond Shakespeare in understanding. Toward the end of that first phase, my emphasis had begun to shift from answers to questions posed by an investigator to the collection of personal testimonies, those of volunteers as well as those of published autobiographers, novelists, and historians. Transition to the second phase, the Phase of Limerence, was abrupt.

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It happened in the fall of 1973. Earlier that year I had presented the first formal paper on the subject at the meetings of the American Psychological Association. That paper, titled 'Sex differences in romantic love among college students,' was based entirely on questionnaire results. There were sex differences in pencil and paper reports, but, as I was later to learn, examination of the details of the experience revealed more sex similarities than differences in the phenotypical experience.

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The discovery, later that year, of people who had not, did not and apparently could not imagine themselves having the experience that I was describing, marked a turning point. By the time of a second formal paper in 1977, I had arrived at the conceptions found in Love and Limerence, and had begun to write the book. The third phase began with the publication of Love and Limerence. It was the Phase of Confirmation.

Love and Limerence was based largely on interviews that exposed the weakness of paper and pencil assessments. The words of love admitted of different meanings.

New data in the form of voluntary written testimonials poured in from readers of the book. Many of these letters used the same words: 'What you describe is exactly what happened to me.'

Others thanked me for allowing them to know that they were not alone, that as crazy as the condition was, it was not a sign of mental ill-health, but a normal phenomenon. The state was one of madness, but the person undergoing the experience was not (necessarily) mad. In hindsight, it should not seem surprising to the human nature scientist that there should be built into us through evolution control over reproductive functioning that supercedes other motivations. According to what I refer to as Limerence Theory, limerence is an interaction between the feelings of one person and the actions of another. It appears to occur across sexual, racial, age, cultural, and other categories of humans and it endures as long as do the conditions that sustain it.

When intense, it crowds other motives out of the psyche. It should be noted that Limerence is not synonymous with meanings customarily attached to the term 'infatuation.' Furthermore, and most importantly, it is entirely absent in some relationships and in some people. Finally, in my judgment, both limerence and nonlimerence represent normal functioning. Limerence presents problems for the modern individual, causing inattention to other aspects of life, especially to responsibilities and to other relationships.

Limerence for someone other than the spouse is a major cause of marital and family disruption. Furthermore, the limerent's behavior may hinder rather than enhance a relationship with the desired person if a response in kind does not occur. When frustrated, limerence may produce such severe distress as to be life threatening. People's reaction to Limerence Theory depends partly on their acquaintance with the evidence for it and partly on personal experience. People who have not experienced limerence are baffled by descriptions of it and sometimes resistant to the evidence that it exists.

To such outside observers, limerence seems pathological. Although often the subject of romantic poetry and fiction, it has been called an addiction, an indication of low self-esteem, irrational, neurotic, erotomanic, and delusional. To people who are unacquainted with it first-hand, it inconceivable that any person should assign so much importance to another person. Fortunately, direct experience is not necessary to someone who reads the evidence. There are many scientifically known phenomena that are not directly perceivable. Although self-report is traditionally regarded with suspicion by scientists, reports that are as consistent with one another as these descriptions of limerence are hard to doubt.

This is a scientific book. That it may not seem so is a part of the story itself. In finding limerence, a human condition distinct yet subject to obfuscation everywhere, we enter into new territory, the territory of the universal mental landscape.

There is much more to be found there as others continue the exploration. A superb study of the contrast between realistic love based on an in-depth and accurate knowledge of one's partner on the one hand, and limerence, another word for infatuation, on the other - limerence is based on idealization, novelty, and hormones, and serves to get us into situations where love can develop, but is not sustainable in the long term. This runs contrary to our culture's 'love-at-first-sight leading to happily-ever-after' mythos and leads too many people to think there's something A superb study of the contrast between realistic love based on an in-depth and accurate knowledge of one's partner on the one hand, and limerence, another word for infatuation, on the other - limerence is based on idealization, novelty, and hormones, and serves to get us into situations where love can develop, but is not sustainable in the long term. This runs contrary to our culture's 'love-at-first-sight leading to happily-ever-after' mythos and leads too many people to think there's something wrong with their relationships, that the 'magic' is gone, when limerence fades in the face of familiarity. But limerence is not a sound basis for commitment, and committed love is needed for marriage, parenting, and sticking together through tough times and situations. This book will help people understand their relationships better, and will help those who want to break patterns of unhealthy relationships to change their patterns of attraction and involvement. For anyone interested in this, a couple of other excellent sources of insight are Janet Woititz's Struggle For Intimacy and the recorded talks of Terry Gorsky (I used to have them on cassette tapes, but they're probably out on CD now) on relationships for adults who grew up in alcoholic and/or otherwise dysfunctional families.

I am quite torn about what to write about this book. I have had a lot to do with this concept of limerence over the last few years, and this has given me much time to ponder the place of this book amongst the relevant literature. I find myself torn because the book serves two functions. The first is to de-mystify and validate the overwhelming and bewildering experience of limerence. Those who have never experienced its power will be quite perplexed about the madness that its victims describe at l I am quite torn about what to write about this book.

I have had a lot to do with this concept of limerence over the last few years, and this has given me much time to ponder the place of this book amongst the relevant literature. I find myself torn because the book serves two functions. The first is to de-mystify and validate the overwhelming and bewildering experience of limerence. Those who have never experienced its power will be quite perplexed about the madness that its victims describe at length. For its sufferers though, this book comes as a breath of valuable oxygen and a point of reference when all bearing is otherwise lost.

This is a valuable purpose and, to me, is enough to justify the high praise some give it. I like how Tennov formalised the experience of falling in love and how she chose not to pathologise any of it. She made it a very human and normal experience, and her limerence equation of attraction, hope and uncertainty provides a simple mechanism to understand how the limerent unconsciously manipulates the variables to maintain the imagined dyad. The second function of the book is to then describe what to do about limerence. This is where the wheels fall off in my opinion.

Tennov straight-out rejected Peele & Brodsky's conception of limerence as an 'addiction' (they were later vindicated by researchers such as Helen Fisher). This led her to the somewhat fatalistic conclusion that limerence was an endless cycle of transferrence, consummation and starvation.

And for some, this is the truth of their existence. As Tennov alludes, a feature of the condition is to deify limerence itself (reminiscent of the brain-sucker in an early Futurama episode), which compels this population to promote the Tennovian view. She could not and would not stand outside this system and see it in terms of attachment or a general dysfunction of relating, although in fairness, the concepts of codependence and adult attachment theory were popularised about 10 years later. So to me, I think she ended up on the wrong side of history in a sense. My experience of participating in and moderating a limerence support group for several years also led me to this conclusion.

As I was sometimes wont to say there, the best books about limerence and recovery don't actually include that word in their titles. Books like Howard Halpern's How To Break Free of Your Addiction to a Person, and co-dependence titles like Facing Love Addiction and No More Mr Nice Guy are far stronger material that offer a 20,000-foot perspective on how inauthentic relating leads to covert contracts, bad boundaries and, apropros here, frustrated romantic attachments. This is probably THE most important book I have ever read. If time and time again in your life you have ever been crippled by an 'obsessional love' for someone, and found that nobody seems to truly understand and be able to help, reading this is a critical first step towards being able to comprehend and maybe eventually control what is really happening. If, on the other hand, you have been the target of such affection and are puzzled and dismayed by a promising friendship devolving into an oppre This is probably THE most important book I have ever read. If time and time again in your life you have ever been crippled by an 'obsessional love' for someone, and found that nobody seems to truly understand and be able to help, reading this is a critical first step towards being able to comprehend and maybe eventually control what is really happening.

If, on the other hand, you have been the target of such affection and are puzzled and dismayed by a promising friendship devolving into an oppressive situation whereby you are faced with puzzling demands of exclusivity and attention that you cannot accept - again, you need to read this in order to be able to communicate across this chasm of emotion, and perhaps salvage the situation. I must restate this: for both limerents and non-limerents, this is an essential read for being able to turn around an all-too-common disruptive, adversarial situation, such that, with reason and empathy, tragedy can be avoided and everyone can get out of it without needless suffering, fear and hate.

The key insights here are that both limerence and non-limerence are involuntary; no-one is to blame, so this should never be viewed as a conflict; and that limerents and non-limerents are both widespread and have great difficulty understanding each other unless educated as such. The implications of this theory for humanity in general cannot be understated. Think of how much suffering in the developed world can be traced to unrequited 'love' of this kind. How much stalking, reckless spending, violence, is ultimately about someone being under the spell of limerence and, ignorant of its nature, going to desperate ends so as to try to bring about its fulfilment. That psychology and philosophy have foundered on the subject for such a long time is outrageous - though hardly surprising.

But hopefully now that the path has been open, the next decades will bring about much-needed proper research on the topic; research that is desperately needed, as Tennov's book itself offers no concrete solutions. I'm a limerent lover and my partner is a nonlimerent one. So it is me who is always obsessive, demanding for requited limerence. This makes my nonlimerent partner stressed out. And I become more emotionally insecure, foolish, dependent, depressed and self-hatred.

So I run to books for help and fortunately found this one. In this book, l learned that the state I've been in has a name, a psychological term called 'limerence'. It's both surprising and relieving that the characteristics of limmerenc I'm a limerent lover and my partner is a nonlimerent one. So it is me who is always obsessive, demanding for requited limerence. This makes my nonlimerent partner stressed out. And I become more emotionally insecure, foolish, dependent, depressed and self-hatred.

So I run to books for help and fortunately found this one. In this book, l learned that the state I've been in has a name, a psychological term called 'limerence'. It's both surprising and relieving that the characteristics of limmerenc are exactly what I've been experiencing and it's also experienced by countless number of people in the world - I'm not alone in this hell of limerence. Before reading this book, I had decided to believe that my limerence was due to my low-esteem, and so I came to think that I had a low-esteem. In this book, I learned that limmerence is involuntary and we're wired for it (when we are uncertain of our partner's feelings toward us) and we can't control that.

I also learned from this book about the characteristics of nonlimerence, and they're exactly those of my partner. So now I understand my partner better and more clearly.

I now know that it's useless to demand requited limerence from my partner. Although Tennov's studies 'have not found a way for limerents to manage the course of limerence according to individual volition, or even how to cure it once it has taken hold', understanding the natures of limerence and nonlimerence is eye-opening and helpful. It can't make me completely lose, of course, but lessen my hope and with it my limerence. Now I just want to settle for affectional bonding. But I wander if it can also be a limerence for affectional bonding, in which care from my partner is expected, typically. So again, I'm helpless, Tennov?

Every now and then there's a book that changes how you see the world. This one was such a book for me!

I fail to comprehend how society has never given scientific attention to a core concept of human nature and culture, which has shaped the identity and fate of entire civilisations! Not only that, but it affects, directly or indirectly, a majority of the population - and yet it's an almost taboo subject! I'd recommend everyone read this. It helps us understand what is happening to us, and increase Every now and then there's a book that changes how you see the world. This one was such a book for me! I fail to comprehend how society has never given scientific attention to a core concept of human nature and culture, which has shaped the identity and fate of entire civilisations!

Not only that, but it affects, directly or indirectly, a majority of the population - and yet it's an almost taboo subject! I'd recommend everyone read this. It helps us understand what is happening to us, and increased awareness of this subject and state of mind would lead to empathising more with the situation of being limerent and being a limerent object. Neither role can be said to be desirable in most cases! As some sidenotes, the feminist tidbits in this book are also incredibly interesting from an almost historical perspective; and the stories described in here are incredibly touching across the entire range of human emotion. A great read!

I really liked this book. Dorothy presents a massive amount of human experiences of being in love, how it feels, what one thinks and how one behaves. At times Dorothy gives tiny conclusions about the universal experiences of being in love. Most important things the book teaches is that the process of being in love has a certain course, and that all people are not experiencing the same things even if they say putright that they do. The problem is that 'being in love' has many connotations for peo I really liked this book. Dorothy presents a massive amount of human experiences of being in love, how it feels, what one thinks and how one behaves.

At times Dorothy gives tiny conclusions about the universal experiences of being in love. Most important things the book teaches is that the process of being in love has a certain course, and that all people are not experiencing the same things even if they say putright that they do.

The problem is that 'being in love' has many connotations for people, the phrase being used a little bit here and a little bit there. Therefore Dorothy felt it would be better to name this experience 'limerence', and that being said, all people do not go through it. It's not in the words, but in the behavior. I probably wasn't the intended target audience of this book but nonetheless I was gifted it and I do not like unread books in my shelf so I thought of finally picking this up over the weekend. I was a bit skeptical about reading it- love is a very subjective thing, what someone considers love might seem like an infatuation to another person even to the same person at some later stage in life.

Love And Limerence Quotes

I was reminded of this Shakespearean quote, 'what's in a name that which we call a rose but by any other I probably wasn't the intended target audience of this book but nonetheless I was gifted it and I do not like unread books in my shelf so I thought of finally picking this up over the weekend. I was a bit skeptical about reading it- love is a very subjective thing, what someone considers love might seem like an infatuation to another person even to the same person at some later stage in life. I was reminded of this Shakespearean quote, 'what's in a name that which we call a rose but by any other name will smell just as sweet.' May be this book might be helpful in some way to people who have suffered this 'limerance' but I think love is too complex and changing to stereotype it into real love and limerance.

This book opens the floor for discussion on the topic in a totally new way. The interviews and personal accounts depicted by Tennov are great and very comforting to read. However, I feel the book is incredibly lacking in explanations and explorations of how exactly limerence starts and what sufferers can do to stop it.

Perhaps what the book is lacking is due to Tennov's preliminary research and the fact that she was first to coin the term and condition. For those looking for a limerence 'cure', This book opens the floor for discussion on the topic in a totally new way. The interviews and personal accounts depicted by Tennov are great and very comforting to read.

However, I feel the book is incredibly lacking in explanations and explorations of how exactly limerence starts and what sufferers can do to stop it. Perhaps what the book is lacking is due to Tennov's preliminary research and the fact that she was first to coin the term and condition. For those looking for a limerence 'cure', you'll have to look elsewhere but this is, no doubt, a very good first read on the subject.

This was highly recommended to me, and I suppose if I could have gotten past the dated writing and the vague sense that the author was being extremely demeaning in the pages I read, maybe I could have gotten something from it. But the dry-as-dust writing, combined with the fact that she was just repeating the same thing over and over, and the fact it was written almost 40 years ago (and feels like it) all combined to give me a terrible taste in my mouth.

I tried very hard to power through. I jus This was highly recommended to me, and I suppose if I could have gotten past the dated writing and the vague sense that the author was being extremely demeaning in the pages I read, maybe I could have gotten something from it.

But the dry-as-dust writing, combined with the fact that she was just repeating the same thing over and over, and the fact it was written almost 40 years ago (and feels like it) all combined to give me a terrible taste in my mouth. I tried very hard to power through. I just couldn't. Maybe I need to read this book, but I sure as hell can't make myself read this book.